Q.  In all the flurry of attending wedding showers and ceremonies I think I may have made a mistake by agreeing to marry a man I have only known for three months.  We have set a date and now I am finding myself delaying finding a gown, and other planning which I always dreamed would be fun to do.  How do I tell my fiancé (and family and friends!) that I am rethinking this decision?  --Samantha

A.   Although what I am about to suggest may seem difficult to do, divorce is much more painful.  I have found that the term “engagement” means more today than ever before. We need to “engage” and commit to each other long before we decide to marry.  This time together provides for a solid understanding of what it will take within the relationship when the “bumps in the road” occur and it’s not always fun and exciting.  It is time to let this new man in your life know that you believe this relationship developed way too fast to know whether you want to marry at this time. Then, ask yourself, “Is this someone I would like to continue dating?”  And, if the answer is yes, KEEP IT FUN, and continue to see each other without the pressure of a “way too soon” decision to marry!  Dating is a “getting to know you” practice and takes time, as does making such an important decision as marriage.  Someday, you will be a joyful bride-to-be planning your special day with your groom-to-be, family, and friends—Let me know when that day arrives!
 
For a copy of my article, “Why Dating Doesn’t Always Mean Forever” refer to website: www.drbevford.com.or send a SASE to 793-A E. Foothill Blvd., #115, SLO, CA  93405

* * * * * *

Q.  After several attempts to stop fighting, my spouse and I agreed to a separation and couples counseling.  We are seeing someone who is helping us with our communication, and are hoping to put our marriage back together.  Through this counseling experience we realized that we may need some help to resolve some past childhood issues due to our parent’s alcoholism. Is it normal to see two counselors at one time?  --Brent

A.  Good for you and your spouse for reaching out for help during these challenging times!  You are our hope that will drive divorce rates down over the coming years as couples become committed to understanding their independent and mutual needs WITHIN THE RELATIONSHIP!  And, yes, it is quite normal, and many times recommended that couples “do” their own work with an individual therapist while working together as a couple to better understand where communication challenges, and their needs, wants, and expectations become a wall in the relationship.  I highly recommend the books, “Perfect Daughters” and “Silent Sons” by well known author Robert Ackerman.  I have found in working with my clients that his research and teachings on the subject of adult children of alcoholics has opened communication between siblings raised in addictive homes, along with other family members and couples alike.  Best wishes to you and your wife, Brent.  It takes courage to work on yourself as you work on a marriage, as well!

* * * * * *

Q.  I am recently separated from my spouse.  Our children are too young to understand all that is happening, and we are working hard to keep things as normal as possible as we both want to share in their parenting.  Our friends think our kids need to be in counseling.  Is that necessary?  --Jolene

A.  While I believe that families who are considering or have decided on a separation benefit from a counseling experience, there is no defined rule about this.  You might ask yourselves some important questions such as, “Are the children thriving by regular sleep and eating patterns?  Do they spend quality time with friends, neighbors, and family?  How are you and their father handling the emotional impact of this change?  If they are school age, count on the fact that they know what is going on because they are hearing it from their peers in the classroom or preschool if it’s happening in their homes. There are age appropriate ways of explaining your decision to separate, and I encourage you to consider reading a book on how and when to address this.  In addition, Jolene, you may find that a solution-focused counseling experience may benefit all of you during this major family transition. 

* * * * * *

Q.  I had a baby two months ago. My doctor tells me that the “baby blues” are normal.  How long can I expect to feel this way because I don’t have the energy for others I love, let alone myself?  --Amy

A.  Post-partum depression, more commonly referred to as the “baby blues,” as your doctor has probably explained to you, is due to hormonal fluctuations which can be considered normal for many new moms—That, along with lack of regular sleep, new demands on your time, and balancing your desire to be a good new mom and companion to others in your life can, indeed, prove to be emotionally and physically challenging.  Check back with your physician about your concerns if your depression and lack of energy persists.  I like the book series, “What New Mom’s Should Expect.” And, you may want to consider some additional support through solution-focused counseling which may assist you in finding the balance all new moms need!  Above all else, Amy, take time for yourself in the coming months.  Happy Mom=happy new baby and family!

* * * * * *

Dear Dr. Ford,

I have a new friend I really like spending time with except for one thing—it seems like every few days she has a crisis and starts to cry and then get angry.  A day or two will go by and then she seems fine again.  We really have fun together, but I feel tired after listening to her and trying to help her during those times.  How can I help her before her next crisis?  --Suzanne

Dear Suzanne,

You don’t say how old you are, so I am surmising several possibilities which may help BOTH of you, and others in your friend’s life!  The symptoms you describe could be a hormonal imbalance, a brain chemistry concern, or a mental health disorder.  These are all possibilities and your friend should be seen by her physician, and most likely a mental health professional to help sort all this out.  Offer to go with her, if you feel you want this friendship to continue—what you are experiencing is what I refer to as a “residual depression” much like the residue that collects on windshields, mirrors, or other surfaces over time—like dust!  She gets emotional, depressed, and it lands on you to deal with which can be exhausting and depressing for you.  Far too many of my patients are diagnosed with chemical imbalances LATE in life after spending years trying to cope with these unpredictable emotions by using and misusing alcohol and other drugs, or emotionally “burning out” friends, co-workers, and family members who listen and then leave.  Good luck, and take care of yourself as she starts to look at getting healthy, too.

* * * * * *

Dear Dr. Ford,

She’s the one--I just know it!  She reminds me of my Mom, and is so attentive it’s just unreal!  Other women have come and gone, but I feel so “at home” with her.  I want to ask her to marry me and was wondering if it’s too soon.  We have been dating for only a few months and my friends are teasing me because I am only 18 years old—she’s 27.  I’m mature for my age, plan to attend college soon (she’s already graduated and working fulltime) so I think its perfect timing!  My Mom asked me to contact you to see what you think.  --Brian

Dear Brian,

Hmmmmm.  I am wondering how a grown woman with a great career feels about dating, marrying, and financially supporting a young man just starting out in life.  The “Cougar” issue (older women dating younger men) has been around for many generations, and surfaces more often than the general population believes, with mixed results!  No matter what the age difference, I would encourage both of you to seek out a therapist that specializes in relationship issues and to dialogue about how much she reminds you of your mother, and just who you remind her of, as well.  There are many theories out there about why we connect with people, and ways to develop healthy relationships.  A good counselor will have you read books specific to healthy connections; explore the how and when you met, and where you might be going together.  My opinion?  Not having met either of you, I’m withholding judgment.  However, many of my clients make these types of statements when seeking assistance, as they head for divorce court. 

“I wish I knew what I know now when I was 18!  I may have traveled more, dated more, and explored life on my own more.  Rather than relying on someone to “take care” of me, I wish I would have learned how to take care of me!” 

I saw a movie years ago (“28 Days”) and although the issue was about “getting sober” the theme of when is someone really ready for a relationship stands the test of time…Once you are able to care for a pet and keep a plant alive all on your own, then you MIGHT be ready for a solid HUMAN relationship.  And, that means FINANCIALLY taking care of a pet’s food, veterinary needs, and other bills besides your own.  That means remembering to water, replant, and feed a plant in order to keep it alive.  Try doing these things on your own for a full year, and then get back to me…I may have some additional questions to ask you, as well.
 

Beverly J. Ford, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist, PSY 17089
www.drbevford.com
drbevford@hotmail.com

 (805) 542-0100